Be Still!


I thought 2018 will be my great year but it wasn’t. I’ve been through worst. My mind was so damn close like in no time I have the ability to end my life. I never imagined how 2018 mocked me of being a failure. But then again, I’m so thankful for those people who stayed and to God. Without them, I will never survive this shit inside me. 
I felt so empty a year ago since the start of 2018. There are so many ordeals that came and I don’t know how to handle it. Until the only solution I knew is ending everything. Someone told me that I will never be a lawyer. I will never ever pass my subjects in law school. But still, here I am. Keep on fighting and keep on going.

How can I say that I was depressed? You know the feeling that you are happy and smiling but deep down inside you, you know you’re not okay. That every single day, you only wake up just to keep your life going. You will go to school but feels like you just need to survive the day because everything will be alright. There were days when I felt like I’m so tired when the day start. There were times when I don’t want to sleep anymore and I always overthinked. I don’t even have any idea how to calm myself. I even hurt myself and that was my biggest mistake. I regret it. I feel so sorry for myself that I became so vulnerable.

One day, when everything was falling apart. I was the only one in a room and darkness was already in me. My surroundings looks like a dark room but in reality, it was colorful. I remember, that day I was trying to make a letter for my love ones. But you know what, I can’t write anything even a single word. I don’t even know how to start my letter. I cried so hard and became so mad at myself. I asked God,

“Why? Why I can’t even do something that will assure my parents why I need to do this? To tell my friends of the reason. To make sure that I will be okay.”

I cried so hard when I realized how painful it will be for my parents to read something that saying goodbye to everything. I realized that it will not be easy for them, for my friends to let go of me, it will be hard for them to accept it. I don’t want them to get hurt because I never tried fighting. I don’t want to let them questioned theirselves of “what ifs”. I cannot even take to see them crying because I was too weak and failed to fight this. I don’t want them to think so much and regret something that they wish they coould have done for me.

All of those are the reason why I’m still alive and kicking. I survived this shit. This ordeals! Perhaps, there is still something that bothers me but I can assure that it will never happened. I once questioned my faith but will never do it again. I’m so grateful of my family amd friends who stayed. Who never get tired of trying to reached me out. Who were sending me messages that they can be a shoulder to lean on. That everything will be okay. I’m thankful that I have them who truly believes in me. Who can see the best in me that others cannot even see.

So guys, if your having a battle right now. Don’t be afraid to open up with your family and friends. They are the only people who can help you to get through that. Of course, don’t ever forget Lord. All of those people will fight with your battle. If you feel like everything is not at the right track and you’re running in this unfair life alone. Don’t worry, because those people (family,friends, God) will run with you if you’ll just allow them. So don’t hesitate to approach someone that you know who can help you without even judging you. Don’t be afraid of criticisms that you may get because sooner it will all banish and you will be okay. We have different level of being brave but I can assure you that maybe now, it’s not okay but sooner or later, It will be.

You can stand up and face everything with strong heart because there are people who loves and believe in you. Don’t allow darkness swallow you. Keep on fighting because it is so amazing to live. If you feel like you’re not okay, immediately talked with someone you know will understand and listen to you. Don’t ever make any act that will let your friends and family regret because they didn’t have any idea of what you’ve been going through. Tell them what is happening to you because they are the only people who knows you and knows how you can fight that battle. Believe me, it’s a process but aftermath, you will see the beauty of living your life to the fullest!

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One More Try

Once you’ve been hurt, you’re so scared to get attached and fall inlove again. You have this fear that everyone you like is gonna break your heart.

I’ve been single for too long, 7 years to be exact. I choose to be single because of experiences I had. It was always an almost relationship. They will make talked to me, they will know me, we will start a conversation but it will end as if nothing happened. As if I never invest feelings and time. I don’t know why I am so unlucky when it comes to love but my siblings are lucky. They are on a long relationship and it will lasts, no doubt. 

Since I was got hurt, I told myself that I will never ever love again. I will put a boundaries and limitations to every guy that will come into my life. Build my own walls, so no one can ever cross that wall. For almost seven years I never ever entertained someone. If someone would asked me out on a date, I always say no. If someone would asked me if they can court me, my answer is always no. That’s how I am afraid of falling in love again. 

Some of my friends told me, what if that someone I rejected is the one for me. I just ignored them. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to feel the pain caused by loving someone. All I want is happiness. Someone who really deserve me. Perhaps, someday I’ll find someone who will make me believe in love again. 

Until this year, I met someone. Someone who doesn’t pretend just to impress me. Someone who make sure that I’m okay and safe. Someone who is always ready to be a shoulder to lean on. After so many years, I told myself, “One more try”. This will be the last time. If it doesn’t work. Maybe love is not really for me. But for now, here I am knowing that guy deeper. It maybe hard to start again from knowing someone to trying to make the relationship work out. Both of us been looking forward for a worthy relationship. I build a high fence that no one can ever cross that fence, but I didn’t have any idea how he did crossed that wall.

Well, this may be absurb but everything will be at the right track for us. Love will find it’s way! We always do trust the process and God’s perfect time!❤

Right Person at the Right Time


Oftentimes, we hear it from other couples whose relationship didn’t work or from other people saying,

“Right person at the wrong time” or

“Wrong Person at the right time”

Somehow, I agree with them. From all the experiences I’ve been through, I know when to tell if I’m with the right person at the wrong time or wrong person at the right time. Undeniably, it is confusing because it’s definitely hard to read someones mind and act. If they really want to be part of our life, to win our heart or just someone who want to mess with us.

I’ve been through a lot of things in my lovelife. Always an almost relationship that made me feel that I don’t deserve to be love back. Almost relationship is undisputedly painful. No doubt! But one thing is for sure, don’t ever cling on that pain. Learn the art of letting go. Indeed, I learned it. Got into an almost relationship that the guy is right and basically fit my standards but at the wrong time and others are wrong person at the right time. Perhaps, it signifies that I should never ever expect that everything will be on the right track and path.

But now, I’m gradually learning to believe that someone will come into my life. Someone who will not force me to change because he accept me wholeheartedly. Someone that will listen to my random talks and bizzare stories. Someone who will sit beside me and makes me feel that being with him is the safest place in earth. Someone that will look at me as if I’m one of the right thing happened in his life. Someone who will make me feel that I worthy and deserve to be love back.

Well, I’m not saying that I already found my better half. Maybe, I found a right person at the right time. But for now, we’re on the stage of getting to know each other. Indeed, A chill and low-key status.

Maybe you will ask me, how can he be a right guy if we’re on the stage of knowing each other. Well, here are the reason why:

He doesn’t pretend just to impress me.
He respect people even all he got from them are insults.
He is a family-oriented.
A good friend.
He think before he speak.
He is a shoulder to lean on.
Can be a secret keeper as well.
He has a big heart and hand to those in need.
He appreciates even the simplest thing.
A genuine one.
A true follower of Jesus.

There are a lot of reason why he is a right guy. I can no longer enumerate it but he definitely a right guy.
I don’t know what I did to deserve a guy like this. Maybe it’s too early for me to say that I’m falling inlove with him but what can I do? Actually, my heart and mind just have the same view about him. My mind doesn’t contradict my heart and vice versa. For a short period of time that I met him, I know what he showed to me are all true and no lies at all.

Maybe right now, Everything is blurry. Yet, the feelings are real. He just came at the right time. I’ve been longing for this. There are a lot of people who did not stay by my side every year ends but it’s okay. Almost 7 years of waiting but here I am having a big smile since the day I discovered what I truly feel for him. I learned that sometimes love stays and it exceeds all your expectations.

I don’t care what will happen next. I don’t care where it will take. I don’t care if I get hurt. Now, I will not be afraid.
No matter what happened I will take all the risk about him. It might take too long for us to be together but it’s okay. Because what’s meant to be will always find it’s way.

To the right person who came just right in time,
If you can’t run in this unfair life alone, Will you allow me to run with you? 

Resilience

What is the real concept of being resilient?

Can we say that we are resilient if we are brave enough to conquer every trials we had encountered?

Or If we let go of our past which is totally the reason why we can’t move forward?

Can we also say that being resilient is overcoming something bad happens to us nor accepting something that cannot be undone.

Honestly, It is so hard to contextualize resiliency. It is an idea wherein we can’t have an inexpugnable description nor explanation. We all know, that adversity are never astounding but we need to put in mind that it is inevitable. We should ensure what weapons do we have to overcome such ordeals.

It is true that even if we are doing what we love, Sometimes through out our journey we felt like something is missing all along. Something that we are longing for. Perhaps, these are the reason why we considered our present as a misfortune. With this, there were a lot of downcast faces in the crowd. Others are always sleeping with a heavyheart. Some got depressed and crestfallen because of their sufferings. However, we should never forget what is our purpose in this world. But here’s the thing, Others might don’t see their purpose yet or they knew it but they don’t have any idea how to execute such purpose. In whatever manner, we will always have an option and choice to know our purpose in this world.

We should not succumb any distress or even our bad past experiences. Instead we should let crucible formed our character. Our positivity. Our passion in whatever we do.

Just like what Catherine Enjolet said,

“I learned to turn unhappiness into a test. One makes you bow your head, but the other makes you hold your head up high”

All of us who have been hurt and distress need to undergo a change. A change that will absolutely and definitely turn us from being coward to dauntless. Indeed, metamorphosis must exist.

Undisputedly, some people used resiliency as a strength in order to live a fulfilling life and never allowed ordeals to beaten us down. Remember, that there’s always a rainbow after the rain. 

Keep Writing❤

Simple Word yet a meaningful one for me. Maybe you thinked I’m overreacting or what but that word means a lot to me. 

Here’s the reason why. 

I stop writing because there are instances wherein it will push you to stop doing what you love. I was so devastated and so many doubts to myself. Yet, I tried to write again. I lost the art of sharing my thoughts in writing but someone brought back that art that I once lost. I wrote something for him last night and my friend send it to him. The next day, he told me to “Keep Writing”. I’m so impressed of by the way he respond. Undeniably, I am amazed. 

I lost interest in everything I love to do a year ago due to challenges I encountered. But God is with me. He never failed to surprise me. A year ago, there are a lot of people who came into my life but they disappeared in a one snap. But then, I accepted that people come and go. That God sent them to us for a purpose. For us to learn something from it. With that, I learned a lot. Learnings that I will never trade to anything because it taught me to be more tough and dauntless. It taught me that once you fail, what you need to do is to overcome that failure. Once you lost people in your life, you have to accept it because life is like that. Not everyone will stay in your life. Once you feel like the world is against you, you need to seek God. In order to feel the comfort you’ve been longing for. I did all of that. I tried to prove others that their criticisms are wrong. That I can do better. That even if I fail, for God I am successful. Don’t ley your guard down. Never allow trials to swallow you. You are bigger than your problems, never forget that. Pain will always leave us with a stronger heart. Believe me, I have a stronger heart now and a better version of me. 

Don’t lose hope. Overcome failure. You can do it. 

Continue writing and inspire others.❤

To the Guy Who Made Me Write Again


You don’t know me as a girl from your distant past, as someone who got your name from your school identification card. But now that you already have an idea about it, Surely, You will always remember how I got to know you.

I was wreck when you came into my life. I don’t know if I can trust someone again. I don’t know anymore the true feeling of being in love and the essence of it. It’s not just about love because that time I don’t know where I was in life. If I am doing the things that I want nor I’m following what really my heart desires. Two years in the path that I don’t even know if it is the right path for me. I know you’re aware that I felt so empty even I always smile. Through out my journey, I knew there was something missing all along or something that I can’t let go. Until you came, your presence has become of one of those hundreds of reasons to continue living. To survive this shit inside me. To let go all the doubts and uncertainties.

I stop writing because I was so devastated and I don’t see any reason to continue doing what I love.

But when you came, honestly, I was so scared. Scared to be devastated again. Scared to take risk again. However, I made my own way of knowing you. Your positivity overpowered me. I remember when my world was falling apart, you told me that “everything will be fine.” “That you’re there for me to be a shoulder to lean on.” Those simple words truly blew my mind. I found myself again because of you. I don’t think you ever understood how much I admired you. A part of me wishes that I could spend more time with you, to know you better. I hope we have a lot of differences and not similarities because I learned in Science, that opposite attract and similarities repel. Unfortunately, We have a lot of similarities.

I learn a lot from you. Being brave enough and respectful. I am impressed that you can easily converse about Laws and never got intimidated like others. Some of our friends keep on telling me that there’s something between us. Well, if God’s will, It will be. But if not, I wish you nothing but endless happiness and I’m looking forward that you find someone who truly deserve you.

I am not telling you all of this because I expect you to do something about it. Don’t worry I’m not expecting for anything or what. I just want you to know how thankful I am because you showed me that good guys do exist. A loving son, a good friend and a special someone that will have a special place in my heart. You’re a genuine, don’t ever forget that.

Thank you for being you.
Most importantly, I lost interest on writing but it has been brought back, thanks to you. 

(Photo not mine)😊

Page 3 of 365 days

I will have my turn soon. All of us who didn’t reach our goals yet. We will have it soon. I do really understand now that I shouldn’t force everything to happen in a one snap or right now. What I am or where I am right now is a step already that will lead me to success. It prepares myself to what lies ahead. 

We should always believe that in God’s prefect time, We will be great. We will have it!