I thought 2018 will be my great year but it wasn’t. I’ve been through worst. My mind was so damn close like in no time I have the ability to end my life. I never imagined how 2018 mocked me of being a failure. But then again, I’m so thankful for those people who stayed and to God. Without them, I will never survive this shit inside me.
I felt so empty a year ago since the start of 2018. There are so many ordeals that came and I don’t know how to handle it. Until the only solution I knew is ending everything. Someone told me that I will never be a lawyer. I will never ever pass my subjects in law school. But still, here I am. Keep on fighting and keep on going.
How can I say that I was depressed? You know the feeling that you are happy and smiling but deep down inside you, you know you’re not okay. That every single day, you only wake up just to keep your life going. You will go to school but feels like you just need to survive the day because everything will be alright. There were days when I felt like I’m so tired when the day start. There were times when I don’t want to sleep anymore and I always overthinked. I don’t even have any idea how to calm myself. I even hurt myself and that was my biggest mistake. I regret it. I feel so sorry for myself that I became so vulnerable.
One day, when everything was falling apart. I was the only one in a room and darkness was already in me. My surroundings looks like a dark room but in reality, it was colorful. I remember, that day I was trying to make a letter for my love ones. But you know what, I can’t write anything even a single word. I don’t even know how to start my letter. I cried so hard and became so mad at myself. I asked God,
“Why? Why I can’t even do something that will assure my parents why I need to do this? To tell my friends of the reason. To make sure that I will be okay.”
I cried so hard when I realized how painful it will be for my parents to read something that saying goodbye to everything. I realized that it will not be easy for them, for my friends to let go of me, it will be hard for them to accept it. I don’t want them to get hurt because I never tried fighting. I don’t want to let them questioned theirselves of “what ifs”. I cannot even take to see them crying because I was too weak and failed to fight this. I don’t want them to think so much and regret something that they wish they coould have done for me.
All of those are the reason why I’m still alive and kicking. I survived this shit. This ordeals! Perhaps, there is still something that bothers me but I can assure that it will never happened. I once questioned my faith but will never do it again. I’m so grateful of my family amd friends who stayed. Who never get tired of trying to reached me out. Who were sending me messages that they can be a shoulder to lean on. That everything will be okay. I’m thankful that I have them who truly believes in me. Who can see the best in me that others cannot even see.
So guys, if your having a battle right now. Don’t be afraid to open up with your family and friends. They are the only people who can help you to get through that. Of course, don’t ever forget Lord. All of those people will fight with your battle. If you feel like everything is not at the right track and you’re running in this unfair life alone. Don’t worry, because those people (family,friends, God) will run with you if you’ll just allow them. So don’t hesitate to approach someone that you know who can help you without even judging you. Don’t be afraid of criticisms that you may get because sooner it will all banish and you will be okay. We have different level of being brave but I can assure you that maybe now, it’s not okay but sooner or later, It will be.
You can stand up and face everything with strong heart because there are people who loves and believe in you. Don’t allow darkness swallow you. Keep on fighting because it is so amazing to live. If you feel like you’re not okay, immediately talked with someone you know will understand and listen to you. Don’t ever make any act that will let your friends and family regret because they didn’t have any idea of what you’ve been going through. Tell them what is happening to you because they are the only people who knows you and knows how you can fight that battle. Believe me, it’s a process but aftermath, you will see the beauty of living your life to the fullest!